Hail, Columbia! We Who Are About to Divest Thee Say: Pound Salt

February 23, 2025 by Charlton Allan

Columbia University—the alma mater of Patrick Buchanan, of all people—has done it again. Not in quantum physics, literature, or even an innovation as groundbreaking as TikTok dance analysis. No, this time, they’ve outdone themselves in producing the most entitled, historically illiterate, masked-up radicals who seem to think Hamas recruitment flyers count as their senior thesis.

And just when you thought the campus couldn’t get any more unhinged, it turns out Columbia activists have escalated from glorifying terrorism to sabotaging the university’s sewage system—dumping cement into the pipes to cause as much destruction as possible. If that isn’t a metaphor for their movement, I don’t know what is.

One of the earlier spectacles involved four of Columbia’s masked revolutionaries—not exactly your grandparents’ Marx Brothers—storming into a History of Modern Israel class. Their mission? Hand out anti-Semitic flyers so asinine they could have been produced in Hebron’s most feverish propaganda workshops.

Of course, Columbia’s hiring decisions make this whole episode even more absurd. The university already employs Joseph Massad, a professor who insiststhat Jews aren’t the descendants of ancient Hebrews—a claim so detached from reality it should qualify as academic malpractice. Massad praised Hamas’s Oct. 7 attack as an “astonishing” and “awesome” military operation while referring to Israelis as “cruel colonizers.” Yet, rather than distancing itself from this rhetoric, Columbia decided Massad was the perfect choice to teach a course on Zionism.

If the goal were to draw more scrutiny for fostering an environment hostile to Jewish students and faculty, Columbia would undoubtedly succeed. The selection of a professor who glorifies terrorism to teach about the Jewish state isn’t just troubling—it’s as absurd as having members of the Taliban as visiting professors teaching a course on women’s rights.

At this point, the university isn’t just ignoring the problem—it’s actively creating a hostile educational environment for Jews while wrapping itself in the language of academic freedom. What’s next, a dining hall vegan restaurant named in honor of Jeffrey Dahmer?

An Immersive Learning Experience

Here’s a better idea: Columbia’s radicals need an immersive firsthand education. Forget the quad—let’s send them to Gaza City, the city they seem eager to defend. Nothing teaches the value of Western freedoms like living under the leadership of Hamas itself.

While they’re there, they can explain the finer points of intersectionality to their hosts—you know, how gender identity, queerness, Western progressive values, and Palestinian nationhood are all connected in the grand struggle against oppression. I’m sure the guys with the AK-47s will be deeply moved.

Study abroad in Gaza may be a limited-time offer—word is that after Hamas ran it into the ground (literally), plans for redevelopment are in the works. So, Columbia students, act fast! It’s not every day you get to experience a failed terrorist-run enclave before the grown-ups show up to fix it.

For those less adventurous, there’s always Tehran, where students can enroll in courses like Comparative Religions—though, take heed, the Iranian version is a little different from the American one. There, it’s a binary system: us vs. them. The “us” are the devout—at least their definition. The “them” are the infidels—everyone else. And just like on Survivor, the infidels get voted off the island—permanently.

Or, for a sunnier alternative, there’s always Caracas, where students can experience the utopia of socialism firsthand. Breadlines are included, and you don’t need a dining hall card—a ration card works just fine until there’s no bread at all. Even Band-Aids are considered a luxury—at least the previously used variety reduces your carbon footprint and your lifespan.

Something tells me that at some point, the sojourning students will miss ‘Merica—not to mention Mom’s vegan apple pie, which is ethically sourced, of course.

Columbia’s Keystone Cops Approach to Discipline

But let’s not lose focus. Columbia’s approach to discipline would be as weak as its football team if it joined the SEC. For Columbia alums who are confused by this metaphor, this isn’t a reference to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

What these students did isn’t a harmless campus prank gone awry—it’s potentially criminal. If any of them are international students, they might want to brush up on the fine print of their visa agreements. Spoiler alert: promoting hate speech and terror in alignment with a known terrorist organization isn’t on the “acceptable activities” list. Pack a toothbrush for your deportation hearing.

And where are the feds in all this? Handing this over to Columbia’s feckless administration—think Keystone Cops, but with more lanyards and worse hairstyles—isn’t enough. Federal authorities need to lead this investigation.

Whether it’s the FBI, DHS, or even the IRS—hey, someone audit Columbia’s $13 billion endowment while we’re at it—this situation demands real consequences.

And speaking of disasters Columbia refuses to prevent—radicals on campus just sabotaged the university’s sewage system by dumping cement into the pipes. It turns out these geniuses—who love to drone on about environmental justice—thought the best way to fight oppression was causing an actual ecological hazard. Of course, this wasn’t some spur-of-the-moment act of campus vandalism—it was a premeditated tactic they studied months in advance at an event hosted by a Columbia campus group. Because when the revolution fails, you can continually clog the toilet.

If Columbia’s administrators don’t act soon, they won’t just be dealing with a hostile educational environment—they’ll be wading through a literal cesspool of their own making.

Time to Divest—From Columbia

But let’s also talk about taxpayers. Why are we subsidizing this circus? Columbia is swimming in billions, yet its feckless administration continues to accept federal funding while allowing its campus to become a breeding ground for hate.

The last time universities seriously considered extremism, it involved ROTC and the FBI. Nowadays, it presents as bias reporting systems, solidarity sit-ins, and at least three pronouns in parentheticals (he/him, they/them, or whatever is trending on Tumblr).

Here’s a radical thought: divest. Not from Israel, as these activists demand, but from Columbia itself. There should be no federal money for institutions that glorify terrorism and foster environments hostile to Jews, Christians, Druze, or anyone who doesn’t toe the Hamas-apologist line.

And the irony? These students, who glorify terror regimes, enjoy the freedoms and protections of the very democracy they despise. Try handing out Love is Love flyers in Gaza for a year. You might even try explaining it to your new neighbors. Let us know how that works out—if you make it to the second day.

Final Warning to Columbia

So, Columbia, here’s the deal: If you want to be taken seriously as an institution of higher learning, start acting like one. Stop treating terror apologism as a quirky extracurricular. Start cooperating with federal authorities. Assist in the revocation of visas. And most of all, stop pretending that anti-Semitic propaganda is just another campus activity.

Until then, enjoy your status as the Ivy League’s most expensive clown college—and here’s hoping tuition skyrockets when taxpayers no longer subsidize your venom.

Charlton Allen is an attorney, former chief executive officer, and chief judicial officer of the North Carolina Industrial Commission. He is the founder of the Madison Center for Law & Liberty, Inc., editor of The American Salient, and the host of the Modern Federalist podcast. X: @CharltonAllenNC