FBI Asks X Users To Please Stop Solving Crimes Before They Do

January 9, 2025 by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a formal statement, the FBI has called on Internet sleuths, particularly X users, to please stop solving crimes before they have a chance to do so.

The statement comes just hours after X users discovered all suspects and motives related to the recent terror attacks in New Orleans and Las Vegas.

The statement reads in part:

"It is in the public interest that all X users stop solving crimes immediately. Solving crime is the responsibility of the federal government and local law enforcement. If we do not solve crimes first, we cannot control the narrative, and that's important for national security reasons we cannot discuss at this time."

"You're going to put us all out of a job," said FBI Director Christopher Wray, commenting on the public statement. "We're supposed to be the ones solving crimes. Please stop demonstrating how useless we are."

As an incentive, the FBI is promising not to raid anyone who complies. "All you have to do is not report on suspects, observe obvious connections to other crimes, or complain when we prosecute parents of school-aged children," a spokesman for the bureau explained. "You scratch our back, we leave your back alone. Get it?"

At publishing time, the FBI had prosecuted an X user for interfering with a cover-up.